How can we talk about our feelings? How much is too much? How much is not enough?<\/p>\n
THREE DECISIONS<\/strong><\/p>\n Whenever we talk to anyone, we make three quick decisions.<\/p>\n We Decide:<\/p>\n 1. Whether To SAY What We Feel. We usually make these decisions automatically or subconsciously. It can be very helpful to make them consciously instead.<\/p>\n WHETHER TO *SAY* WHAT WE FEEL.<\/strong><\/p>\n Here are some different ways we state what we feel, and my thoughts about when each is appropriate.<\/p>\n \"LEAVE ME ALONE\" Statements...<\/p>\n Use these when you are with people you don't trust, or whenever you want to refuse to talk about feelings.<\/p>\n Another way to convey this \"leave me alone\" message is to simply answer \"yes\" or \"no,\" or to only say a few words which barely answer the question.<\/p>\n \"ASK ME AGAIN\" Statements...<\/p>\n Use when you don't know if you want to talk about feelings or not, and when you want the other person to encourage you to say more.<\/p>\n \"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW\" Statements...<\/p>\n Use when you are afraid to state (or know...) exactly what you feel..<\/p>\n \"I KNOW WHAT I'M FEELING BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY\" Statements...<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Use when talking to a therapist. <\/p>\n When non-therapists try to respond to this, there is almost always a disagreement.<\/p>\n WHETHER TO *EXPRESS* WHAT WE FEEL.<\/b><\/p>\n A sad person can just look sad and say nothing at all, or cry fully for a long time. We feel better the more we EXPRESS what we feel. The only important factor is: \"How SAFE am I to express it now with this person?\"<\/p>\n \"READY TO LET MY FEELINGS OUT\" Statements...<\/p>\n Use when you are with someone who will let you \"vent\" for a few minutes.<\/p>\n WHETHER TO *WORK AT* SOLVING A PROBLEM.<\/b><\/p>\n The natural order of things is to FEEL FIRST, THEN THINK, AND THEN DO.<\/p>\n We can FEEL our feelings quite well with anyone safe who cares about us. We can do some thinking and problem-solving with our friends, but GOOD problem-solving requires that the other person be more \"detached\" than close friends can be.<\/p>\n So, when friends aren't enough to help you, or you can tell you are trying your friends' patience, do your thinking and problem-solving with a therapist.<\/p>\n READY TO FEEL AND THINK WITH YOU Statements... [Same as the last example, PLUS...]<\/p>\n Use when you want to vent and think things through to solve a problem. This is NECESSARY in ALL close relationships occasionally - but not appropriate as a REGULAR way of communicating except in therapy.<\/p>\n \"READY TO FEEL AND THINK AND ASK CLEARLY FOR WHAT I WANT Statements... [Same as last two, PLUS...]<\/p>\n Use mainly in therapy. (Very seldom seen anywhere, even in therapy...!)<\/p>\n PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER<\/b><\/p>\n State and express your feelings as fully as you can, preferably with friends but alone if necessary.<\/p>\n When you feel stuck about what to DO about your feelings and about the problems that created them, see a therapist.<\/p>\n (\u6587\/Tony Schirtzinger)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" How can we talk about our feelings? How much is too much? How much is not enough? THREE DECISIONS Whenever we talk to anyone,…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":202,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[37],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1267","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-associate"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sadtojoy.com\/psych\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1267","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sadtojoy.com\/psych\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sadtojoy.com\/psych\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sadtojoy.com\/psych\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/202"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sadtojoy.com\/psych\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1267"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/sadtojoy.com\/psych\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1267\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sadtojoy.com\/psych\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1267"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sadtojoy.com\/psych\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1267"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sadtojoy.com\/psych\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1267"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n2. Whether To EXPRESS The Feelings.
\n3. Whether To WORK AT PROBLEM SOLVING.<\/p>\n\n
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\nIt's a therapist's job to help you figure out why you feel what you feel.
\nIt's not a lover's job or a friend's job.<\/p>\n
\nAn angry person can just sit and glare, or cuss and scream and throw things.
\nA happy person can smile quietly or dance jubilantly.<\/p>\n\n
\nWe can even do this well enough alone (although it can take longer that way).<\/p>\n\n
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